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the current concern #2
February 10th, 2018 09:50 amI might regret posting this later, but this is supposed to be a more "public" journal and I'm listening to a really good song that doesn't have any words, so here we go.
I feel like I cannot articulate the reason why I keep sliding into this dissatisfied gloom. I'm used to being able to clearly communicate exactly how I'm feeling, even if I don't share. Description is kind of my thing. But I don't know what this is, where it comes from, which is probably why it keeps coming back. I'm doing 10,000 leagues better than I was when I lived with my parents after college, and I've really settled into my adult life here, working and supporting myself. I'm proud of that, and who I've become as a person, despite all my insecurities and short-comings.
But I keep getting gloomy, I can't ever keep it away for too many days, especially if I'm not at work or out doing anything. It's probably partly my diet, partly my inconsistent sleep schedule, partly this embedded parasitic thought that makes me believe that I "should" be living my life--basically--in ways that just aren't me. It's always the same shit, I can't do much about it (and the things I can change feel kind of fruitless to me, even though I have not tried them), I'm tired of talking about, thinking about it, and you're all probably tired of hearing about it! welcome to the shit show ;)
(I don't like making my loved ones worry/burdening them, and I understand that things usually get better and work out [plus. I hate feeling bad lolol], so when I get particularly negative I like to stick a big 'ole humor band-aid on it, and I just think that's so sexy of me <3)
Anyway. I've got all my hobbies that I search out and learn and then put down for varying amounts of time that might include forever. I like to feel useful and active, like to craft and create. But I'm fairly smart, and recognize that all this is just another branch of that feeling of needing to go. I know going anywhere isn't going to make me happy, just as I know hiking on a mountain and hearing the wind in the trees isn't going to make me happy. It's a desperate, fundamental need to escape, and sources indicate that I'm trying to escape from myself. Big whoop, this isn't a groundbreaking experience. Moving all those times I have, I eventually end up right back here (though I don't remember the sink being quite so lingering). But I always hope that someplace new will give me that freedom, I guess, change me into someone who isn't quite so melancholic, sentimental, lonely by nature.
I'm so tired of fighting this feeling, though I always try. I've got my resources: friends, food, water, MUSIC, sunlight, the usual shit. I just wish...I wish my days didn't feel like chores, wish the hours stretching ahead of me didn't give me worry about how to spend them and how I'll feel in them. I can't focus on the things I like. When I think of other things I like, I can already see myself feeling their flatness, like a soda forgotten on the table. But what else am I supposed to do? Really? Thus the cycles continue.
I'm not depressed, and these issues aren't at a level where I can really get anyone else's help. I just have to keep going, keep dealing with it, hope that one day it changes. I'm pretty sure I like myself just fine, I just wish I could be at ease with my own existence, haha. If I can't make myself happy, how can I expect to find a place or a person to make me happy? So that's where my head is at. It's always the same, and frankly that's pathetic and annoying, so I try not to talk about it. But I also have this need to share, hence all my vague and sometimes emotional tweets and tumblr tags, hahha. I just want my mind to be quiet, I could vomit I'm so tired of this whoooooole line of thinking.
This is kind of long, huh. Sorry. Thanks if you read this far. But things are generally good, and generally unchanging. I'm just not too happy. thanks for coming to my TED talk.
I feel like I cannot articulate the reason why I keep sliding into this dissatisfied gloom. I'm used to being able to clearly communicate exactly how I'm feeling, even if I don't share. Description is kind of my thing. But I don't know what this is, where it comes from, which is probably why it keeps coming back. I'm doing 10,000 leagues better than I was when I lived with my parents after college, and I've really settled into my adult life here, working and supporting myself. I'm proud of that, and who I've become as a person, despite all my insecurities and short-comings.
But I keep getting gloomy, I can't ever keep it away for too many days, especially if I'm not at work or out doing anything. It's probably partly my diet, partly my inconsistent sleep schedule, partly this embedded parasitic thought that makes me believe that I "should" be living my life--basically--in ways that just aren't me. It's always the same shit, I can't do much about it (and the things I can change feel kind of fruitless to me, even though I have not tried them), I'm tired of talking about, thinking about it, and you're all probably tired of hearing about it! welcome to the shit show ;)
(I don't like making my loved ones worry/burdening them, and I understand that things usually get better and work out [plus. I hate feeling bad lolol], so when I get particularly negative I like to stick a big 'ole humor band-aid on it, and I just think that's so sexy of me <3)
Anyway. I've got all my hobbies that I search out and learn and then put down for varying amounts of time that might include forever. I like to feel useful and active, like to craft and create. But I'm fairly smart, and recognize that all this is just another branch of that feeling of needing to go. I know going anywhere isn't going to make me happy, just as I know hiking on a mountain and hearing the wind in the trees isn't going to make me happy. It's a desperate, fundamental need to escape, and sources indicate that I'm trying to escape from myself. Big whoop, this isn't a groundbreaking experience. Moving all those times I have, I eventually end up right back here (though I don't remember the sink being quite so lingering). But I always hope that someplace new will give me that freedom, I guess, change me into someone who isn't quite so melancholic, sentimental, lonely by nature.
I'm so tired of fighting this feeling, though I always try. I've got my resources: friends, food, water, MUSIC, sunlight, the usual shit. I just wish...I wish my days didn't feel like chores, wish the hours stretching ahead of me didn't give me worry about how to spend them and how I'll feel in them. I can't focus on the things I like. When I think of other things I like, I can already see myself feeling their flatness, like a soda forgotten on the table. But what else am I supposed to do? Really? Thus the cycles continue.
I'm not depressed, and these issues aren't at a level where I can really get anyone else's help. I just have to keep going, keep dealing with it, hope that one day it changes. I'm pretty sure I like myself just fine, I just wish I could be at ease with my own existence, haha. If I can't make myself happy, how can I expect to find a place or a person to make me happy? So that's where my head is at. It's always the same, and frankly that's pathetic and annoying, so I try not to talk about it. But I also have this need to share, hence all my vague and sometimes emotional tweets and tumblr tags, hahha. I just want my mind to be quiet, I could vomit I'm so tired of this whoooooole line of thinking.
This is kind of long, huh. Sorry. Thanks if you read this far. But things are generally good, and generally unchanging. I'm just not too happy. thanks for coming to my TED talk.
